


To a world without her

by Pomelofangirl



Category: Steins;Gate
Genre: Angst, F/M, Guilt, anime sg 0 ep 8 spoilers, brief mention of the movie as well, i am very sad thank you for asking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 11:57:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14831861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pomelofangirl/pseuds/Pomelofangirl
Summary: Meeting Kurisu again provided him with mixed feelings.(Steins:Gate Zero episode 8 anime spoilers)





	To a world without her

**Author's Note:**

> Anime steins gate 0 spoilers for this fic.
> 
> MCD refers to Mayuri and Kurisu since this fic is basically Okabe pondering abt both of their deaths, graphic description of violence refers to his memory from when Kurisu was stabbed & I mean it's not that graphic but better to be safe than sorry.
> 
> This is my first fic for this fandom, and for this pairing, but given what the anime provides us with certainly not the last one.
> 
> I haven't and don't intend to play the vns in the closest time so I'm sorry if the characterization is very off.
> 
> Also English is not my native language so probably mistakes can be found i suppose, (commas and misspellings of words are the most common aside from oocness) and it's not betad and it's late in the night but ever since I watched the ep I couldn't deal so I guess this is it?
> 
> Nevertheless enjoy. If angst is enjoyable I mean.

Meeting Kurisu again provided him with mixed feelings.

 

She was here. Alive. He could feel her, and her heart beating loudly

 

(he's not sure whose heartbeat is quicker louder, happier to see the other)

 

this made him happy, more happy than he was in half a year. As if everything he went through was real.

 

But he also noticed the emptiness, dustiness of the lab. As if Kurisu was the only one there.

 

She was, which, she said just some minutes later.

 

“You're still not over Mayuri, are you?”

 

The fact that both she, and Daru knew that he came from the other timeline didn't surprise him. This was the closest to the zero one, of course they've all been through things.

 

“You have to go back, otherwise the guilt will eat you alive!”

 

"You say that as if there was anything left of it.”

 

He's seen that scene more times than he could count. Didn't he accept, deep inside him that Mayuri wasn't supposed to live?

 

“You said it yourself, didn't you? I killed Mayuri. Except you didn't! She died of a heart attack. It's not your fault Okarin.”

 

He supposes that the time convergence made him kill Mayuri in one of those countless scenarios. Or that by choosing to stay here he did so as well.

 

(This is in no way the same as stabbing Kurisu and feeling her life go away, in his arms, her blood soaking him. Nothing compares to that and he would be a fool to return to that darkest timeline without her in it)

 

And yet Okabe realizes the difference when Kurisu is involved.

 

Walking around town with her feels nostalgic. Even if he is clouded by depression and feeling of emptiness, she's there ahead of him, leading him somewhere.

 

He wonders why they'd need to install a GPS on him. Did he get lost often?

 

He wants to ask, but then they're there.

 

Is this how Mayuri felt after her grandma died? Okabe feels like it is, something about this scene feels familiar, as if by reaching out to the sky he could meet her again.

 

(If Kurisu's body wasn’t a part of an investigation and claimed for research maybe she'd also have a grave in his timeline. Maybe he'd also spend days in front of it, being sorry for his cowardice to see her dying again and thus letting her die.)

 

He's not sure.

 

“You must go back. I've build the phone microwave just to send you there”.

 

In roughly a year, he'd have another dream of another, better timeline in which Kurisu also built the timeleap machine in order to help him.

 

In order to bring him back where he belongs.

 

The right timeline for him, the one beginning with more than zero.

 

But that's not for two years yet, he has time to realize that Kurisu is his everything, and regret not saving her. Isn't that what drove him to order Daru to build the time machine in 20ish years? The fact that he never let go of the idea that Kurisu might be saved with something as stupid as a time machine?

 

Someone has to do it, doesn't he? Suffer so that another version of him in the past could fight for a better life in his childish dreams of Steins;Gate.

 

He has to be that guy, despite how much he'd rather stay here with Kurisu, being alive.

 

Why didn't the him from this timeline appreciate what he has?

 

Then he realizes that there is no right choice. Even with Kurisu alive, he'd still be a sad young man letting go of his interests in order to appear normal.

 

Both Mayuri and Kurisu have to be alive, for him to be truly happy.

 

All these thoughts lead him to type the D-mail.

 

He types _„Don't come in.”_ and it's painful. He's afraid to send it. Afraid to go back to the worst timelline and not meet Kurisu again in his life. Afraid to let go of her, and never know what kind of future would await them together, if only he wasn't a coward and got over himself that day in August.

 

He shows the phone to her with the typed words. Kurisu nods, setting the phonewave.

 

“That should stop me.”

 

As far as he remembers, it didn’t. She still came in saying something but he didn't know what.

 

He wished to be the Okabe of the alpha timeline just for that moment, to hear her saying „I love you”. But alas, he can't have that. He'd just have to deal with-

 

Suddenly, Kurisu kisses him.

 

He deepens the kiss.

 

Neither of them want to let go. He sure as hell doesn't, won't go back to the other worldline if it depended on him.

 

Kurisu deepens the kiss even more and her fingers hoover over the two buttons. Either _cancel_ , or _send._

 

It all depends on her. She could have this. Him, close to her, him responding to her, not wallowing in depression and self pity.

 

But she realizes that she's already had that. In those moments, those precious three days before Mayuri died.

 

Besides... this isn't the Okabe she knows and loves. He doesn't belong here. It wouldn't suit him to stay here, just as it wouldn't suit her to suddenly transfer into a world where both she and Mayuri are alive.

 

After all, even she can't wipe that sad expression from his face. She knows that Okabe acts like this only because he hadn't seen her in a while, and in some days everything will go back to normal. He'd get used to her being here, and miss Mayuri.

 

She can't allow this. Despite how good it feels to be in his arms, kissing him, feeling the longing and love they both pour into the kiss.

 

They can't have this.

 

She hits _send_.

 

They disappear from each others sight.

 

Clearly, they were never meant to be together.

**Author's Note:**

> I am very sad, thank you for asking.
> 
> Comments & any sort of feedback is very welcome, if you feel like correcting things feel free but don't be mean about it.


End file.
